Less Than

I am the laziest person I know.   So imagine my surprise when I have had people this year tell me how I have inspired them either with my Ironman aspirations or my lifestyle change to veganism and plant strong nutrition. 

I graciously accept the compliments and notes of encouragement and support, but always think in the back of my mind how I could possibly inspire them... I am just a lazy person with a pie-in-the sky dream of being an Ironman. Right?

There have been times in this journey that I have felt like a fake.  An imposter.  A wanna be.  There have even been times in this journey where I have laid awake at night or sat in my car on the way to a workout and cried.   

Yes, cried.  Just cried.  For hours. So many hours.  ALL of the hours.  

I am already a failure... why even start the race I am not possibly qualified to participate in?

Going out for any one of the hundreds of hours of training I was putting in I would witness the real athletes (those already forged in Iron) and upon seeing the work and dedication that they are putting in to training for this race it would make me wonder what on Earth I am doing. 

THESE are the inspiring people, not me. These are the Ironmen.  They are just so much better than I.  What if I fail?  What happens WHEN I fail?  Will they all realize that I am that lazy person and never have faith in me again?  Oh my goodness... will I loose faith in myself too?

I am not a real athlete, and only real athletes are Ironmen.  I am LESS THAN that.  I am a couch surfer who goes out and swims, bikes, and runs a lot. 

I am not dedicated enough.  I have not sacrificed enough.  I have not given it my all or executed the plan right.  I just am so much LESS THAN that. 

Time has slipped away, I am out of time, I am out of time, I am out of my mind. 

The sad truth of the matter is that all of these feelings have crossed my mind, my heart, and my lips over the long course of the past 11 months.


When I signed up for Ironman, I half felt in my heart that there was no way that I would finish this journey.  I would quit, I would get injured and give myself the easy out. I would figure out the exact excuse or reason later, but surely it would come.  It always does.   

But somewhere along the way I had an epiphany.

I was sitting in my hotel room in Mexico when it happened, and I recall looking at myself in the mirror as I was putting on my workout clothes.  The clock read 11:05pm and I was heading out for a 1.5 hour bike/run brick workout in the sub-par thrown together fitness center available to me.  I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight person about to go look a fool in the fitness center when everyone else was at the bar which was ironically positioned right outside the fitness center so they could all witness the silliness. 

"Check out that fat chick running in there!"

"What on earth is she doing?"

I saw the fear rise in my eyes as I started to tear up.

Yes, what am I doing?

I am doubting myself as being dedicated, as deserving the honor of working hard to meet my dreams, of really being an athlete - yet I am getting ready to do a workout in Mexico at 11:05pm while all my coworkers are at the bar.

Yes!  What the heck am I doing to myself?

I sat down on the edge of the hotel bed and wrote a note to myself, pinned it to the mirror, read it every night and morning, and then got in not only that workout but every workout on my plan that week including a half hour swim in an 11 yard pool. All the while people ate and drank around me.

Jennifer,  

You are the athlete that you want to be.  Every day you are shedding the doubt and moving closer to her, the girl you want to see in the mirror.  You are dedicated, you have sacrificed, you have laid the foundation and now just need to have faith in yourself, faith in the journey ahead of you.  No one is laughing at you.  How can they?  You have a dream and more importantly you have the desire to WORK for that dream. No one can take that away from you.  Remember, Ironman is not the destination... this is a journey of reclaiming your life.  You can do this.  You are MORE THAN you think. You are MORE THAN an Ironman.  You are Jenniferlyn, and you have got this.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  KEEP ON WORKING.  

Of course I have not been perfect in my training.  I have ebbed here and there, sort of floating in and out of the process.  But it lasts for short periods of time, mainly due to sickness or balancing the crazy jam-packed year that I have had between graduating with my MBA, getting married, training for this little race and oh yeah, switching my career completely.   I guess the fear of Ironman made sure that each time I would stray due to whatever, I would come back with a renewed vigor and excitement for the process.

Have I sacrificed?  Um, yes.  Have I put in work?  Oh yeah, 58 watts, 50# and 4 dress sizes worth.  Am I ready?  I know in my heart I have done my best and that best was SO MUCH MORE THAN I ever realized I had in me.

This post is me finally coming clean with myself that I need to stop knocking myself down and realize that I am more dedicated and capable than I have given myself credit for.  I am not lazy, in fact I have worked my butt off (quite literally).  I am also not anything more than a person who had a dream, made it public, dedicated and committed themselves to achieving it and put in the work to set themselves up to achieve it.

Take this one thing away from my journey to become an Ironman: there is no magic or luck in fulfilling your dreams.   If I (the laziest person that I know) can do it, so can you.

While it starts with faith and a dream, it ends only when you put those dreams into action and work. 

Do not be afraid of the time it will take to accomplish the work ahead. The truth is that time is going to pass by anyway, the only difference is if we are sitting idly watching it go by or if we are engaged and participating in it.

I chose to get off of the couch and participate in it.  

No matter what transpires over the course of the 17 allotted hours on November 3rd, 2012 I know that I have done so much more than I ever thought that I would in my life.  This is not the final destination, but another stop in the journey of my life.    

I am back in the (blogging) saddle again!

After a few month hiatus I am back to regularly blogging. 

I am currently in Florida (Palm Beach) on my vacation/wedding/honeymoon trip.  Mike and I brought down our bikes and packed our car filled with wedding stuffs, training stuffs, and vacation stuffs. 

We have been here for three days already, and already I have been able to swim some, run long (8 miles!) and get in a strength ride on the A1A (25 MPH!)

The 8 mile run yesterday was so nice.  It felt great and easy and even with the heat and humidity at 7 am I managed a 10:41 minute per mile pace.  Some things that I did right were to eat before hand (3 egg whites) and to bring along ice cold water.  I went through 2 bottles on the run (standard store bought water bottles).

My shoes are about done though, so today I am heading into Wellington to buy some new Newtons.

We went for a ride on the A1A last night and I did half of my workout because the rain and lightening came faster than we could ride.  It was a great 40 minute workout though, kept 19mph on the warm up and recoveries, and 25-26mph on the straight aways when I was going my biggest gear for my 7 minute intervals.  That felt great! 

I am really embracing my cycling strength.  The next few months I need to focus on my nutrition in my long endeavors.  I need to find my nutrition plan and then stick to it. 

Today is a 2.5 hour ride weather permitting, and then a swim, weather permitting.  Oh top news around here?  A hurricane is heading its way straight for West Palm Beach with an expected Sunday land fall.  Our wedding is on Saturday... and we may be spending our honeymoon in a Hurricane. 

Transforming FEAR into FAITH. July Recap

I have realized that I need to just have faith. Ironman training is NOT marathon training.  It is not swim training.  It is not cycling training.  It is all around training.

I have had enough “death-walks” in my time that I am very fearful of the feeling of the marathon at the end of Ironman.  So I have been going longer in the other two disciplines so that I have a confidence level going into the next 2.5 months of training.  

In July I managed to nail the runs and got them done.  I rekindled my love of running and had a great time doing it.  I am excited for the chance to see how far I can go and grow in the next few months.  


I Swim Swam Swum to the Moon!

I am very confident in my swim now having completed multiple 1 to 2.1 mile open water swims in lakes and rivers, as well as my very first  5k open water swim this past weekend.  

Looking back over my swims, the long ones have all been pretty close to ~ 1:56/100y.  1 mile, 1.2, 2.1 or 3.1 miles with pretty similar pacing across the lot.  
That tells me that my swim is what is it and it is strong enough to do 3.1 miles of point-to-point swimming through 3 lakes without slowing down.  I am pretty sure that 2.4 miles in the ocean (two loops of 1.2 miles to be exact) are going to be just fine.

So, I just need to keep on plugging away at swimming and stay consistent.  

Take-Away: CONSITENCY IS KING! Just keep swimming.


A Centurion is born!

I completed my first 100 mile bike ride and was feeling horrible towards the end. Not cycling wise, but in general.  It felt akin to the marathon death-march that I am not fond of.     It was HOT and HUMID and I was struggling with nutrition because of the heat and humidity and the only available nutrition options were all sugars… as in cookies, treats, brownies, etc.  Not even a pretzel.  

I need to get in more time in the saddle to feel fully confident there, but on the good news front my saddle gave me no issues, so I was more than capable of staying in it for all of those 6.5 hours of riding.

So with that, for the bike, I know that I can complete 112 miles, and I know too that I need to get more comfortable with miles over 60.   The last four years of my life has been long-course, half iron distanced racing.  I am a whiz at the 56-60 mile distance.  A whiz.  Beyond that I am an in foreign territory. My focus then, here in the next few months, will be to execute the workouts and really treat every short ride as power and every long ride as race practice, full race practice with nutrition, clothing, etc.  

I need to feel like I am going to Ironman day in all sorts of circumstances.   This means getting back into the lab every week for some lab workouts, and then the weekend out on the roads with my gear and nutrition plan in hand.


TAKE-AWAY:  I need to nail down a solid 100 miler nutrition plan and execute it with a run off of the bike.  No wimping out.  I also need to bring salty and non-sweet food options to get me through.



A Do Run Run, A Do Run Run

Now to get back into the running swing of things and keep being consistent.  This is where having faith is important to me because I try to compare this Ironman training to that of marathon training.  I felt really good at Detroit Marathon last year.  I put in TONS of hours running though in order to feel that way.  My fear, which I need to turn into faith, is that the lack of complete running time will impact my day and I will be dead in the marathon at mile 6.  

Turning fear into faith… one workout at a time.  

So if my fear is that I am not strong enough, I need to have faith that my cross-training in cycling and swimming are making me strong enough to sustain 26.2 miles.

I have been thinking of having a back-up plan.  To implement a run/walk strategy for the 20 miles of the marathon, to conserve my energy, to keep my pace steady, to keep me strong.  Then, if I feel good and strong go to running more walking less if not running the last 10k solidly.  If not, then keep on with my run/walking strategy.  

This is my FIRST Ironman… not my ONLY Ironman.  I want to experience the process for this one, then in the next few years go for it again and improve based on what I learned.


I figure if I do it this way, I am keeping myself in a steady “with purpose” mode until the last few miles.  Conversely, if I go out running the first 20 miles I may get into my ‘give up’ mode and walk which would immediately make me think that I am weak and to question why I would want to start running again.

I know myself, and I know that I am stronger than that. I also know that I need a back up plan and a tertiary plan when the mental going gets tough.   I gave up at Welland and walked. I am still on the fence on this one.  I need to speak with coach on it.

I am pondering implementing a run/walk strategy for Rev3 in September.  If all goes well then I can pull another 30 minutes or so from my time and feel stronger for it.  

I think that I will try some brick runs off of my next longer rides and see how those go.  Run walking at Rev3 may be the answer I am looking for, and regardless, it will give me the final race test before IM FL to see if it will work or not.

Like they say… you have 26.2 miles to make up time if you take it too easy the first 114.4 miles… you have 26.2 miles to suffer if you paced it badly.

Take-Away: I want victory and strength, not a sufferfest.

June Recap: The month of Motor City Sprint and Welland Half Ironman.

MOTOR CITY
Motor City Sprint was the week before Welland.  I was excited for the race, and excited to see how racing without a watch showing my pace would feel like.  It makes you honest, that is for sure.

The swim was great – felt strong and loved it as always.  I like swimming in the Detroit River, probably just because it is the Detroit River.  It sounds Bad Assed. Totally.

The bike was amazing… just laid down the hammer and averaged 21+ MPH, PR for the course and PR in any race.  I was ON FIRE!

The run felt a little wonky to start, but then I settled into a zone and pace and just went along to the finish.  

That finish was a HUGE PR for me, and a sub-1:20 finish.  My goal in 2011 was to be around 1:30.  I finished 2012 in 1:18!  Good enough for 1st place Athena!  I was 8 minutes off of overall female winner.  Damn.  That was amazing!

Then I tapered (did nothing) until Welland.


WELLAND
Leading up to Welland, I was fearful that I was undertrained.  Not that the training had failed, but that I was not training FOR Welland, as I had in 2010, so due to this I was fearful of what race morning would bring.

Lucky for me, training has not failed me!  

SWIM
The swim felt really good.  It was a mass-start, 500 people all treading in deep water. I have never been punched, slapped, swam over under around into as much as in this swim. Dang.
I felt good swimming, used my sleeveless suit.

Take-away:  Mass start swims are great for drafting… so draft!  Be prepared for hitting scratching etc in the swim.  

I finished 3 minutes faster in 2012 than I did in 2010 and set a 1.2 mile swim PR.  Good day!


BIKE
I used the nutrition plan that I have been practicing – perpetuem strawberry flavor, 2 bottles, and 1 bottle of water to take with solid nutrition.

I start with perpetuem in my aero bottle and then take sips every 15 minutes starting 20 minutes in.  At about 1:15 I empty my water bottle into the aero bottle and consume a solid food every 15-20 minutes until my food and water is gone (~1 hour).  I then put back in my perpetuem and drink calories every 15 minutes until the last 20 minutes where I just drink some water and cruise along.

This has really worked well.  For IM think about training with Infinit or Ironman Perform since this is what is on the course.  


For pacing, I followed the plan from my coach, Took it super easy the first 11 miles, the upped to Z2 the 2nd 30k then upped to Z3 the last 30k and zipped past everyone 20-22 MPH while they were slowing down.  My God I felt great.

Finished the bike sub 3:00 which is another PR for me.  


RUN

I was so far ahead of plan that I pulled a Jenn.  I figured ‘wow I am so undertrained in the run I should just walk, and coach said that run/walking was fine.’  Ha ha ha… run walking with a plan is fine.. just giving up and walking was not.   Had my 3rd worst half marathon but felt great out there… really needed the nutrition and salty foods.  I need to remember this for IM.

Overall time was in the 6:30’s, an hour PR from 2010 with non-Welland specific training.  


I have many take-aways from this race to apply to my next one in September and then ironman in November.


The big thing for me will be the run.  I need to be consistent and get out there and nail these runs.  NO MORE QUITTING.

I have Rev3 to make up for my failure of a run at Welland.  I need a plan… be it run/walk or run… I just need to execute the plan.  


So July I am going to work on executing the training and focusing on running and not giving up on the run.

Training update - Week 1 (Race Specific)

I am not focusing on IM Florida as much as I am following the process of training.  The first step is to get to Welland Half Iron in June.  At 10 weeks out, my coach had me start race specific training and it is completely different than what I have been doing - a lot of long efforts in a steady zone.  A lot of LT raising workouts.  A lot of threshold work.  A lot of a lot and then some of nothing.

It is a process.

Week one had me scheduled for 15 hours of training. I completed 11 of those hours, as I missed every single swim and had to cut one run short.   :-( 

This week my goal is to hit training much better.  All bikes, all runs, and all swims.  All core work, all stretching all everything.  It can be done I just need to DO. IT.

My biggest issue for sure is the swim.  I seem to not be able to get into the pool often enough and I cannot keep accepting that.  I have had 3 months to find balance, and now I know that it is not my schedule that impacts this.. it is purely me! 


My goal for week 2 is NO MORE EXCUSES.

I will get in every single workout this week.  No more accepting mediocre work.

Last night at the pool, after I got out I saw a girl walk over and jump into a lane.  She had IM tatoos around her ankle and this intrigued me as she did not look like a "typical" Ironman.  Way more fit than me, but not what I am used to seeing in the IM tattoo arena. 

I was intrigued so I watched her swim.  She jumped in (literally) and just got right to swimming laps, flip turns and all.  Wow.  She was so fit and strong and.. and... just everything that I want to be.  I CAN be like her, I just need to do it.

My goal for this week is to focus on not wimping out on the swim, but to get it done.

Back in the saddle... Again! This time with 20% fewer excuses and 30% more productivity!

The past two weeks have been rough for me as I am not a "rest" type of person.  Resting = lazy to me, so I had to fight many a mental demon this month.

I would say that my fear of inactivity resides with the daily struggle I face to get out of the door.  For as active as I am, it is not like I am so without my lazy tendencies.  It was lazy Jenn who got to be overweight.  It was active Jenn who lost a net 45# (with about another 40 to go).  It was lazy Jenn that made poor food choices.  It was active Jenn that changed her lifestyle.

I guess my fear of inactivity is based on the fear that while I have changed who I am on the outside, the fat lazy girl with control issues still very much lives within me.  I feel that when these setbacks happen, it is a chance for Lazy Jenn to get stronger while active Jenn lies in a weakened state.  This leads me to wonder and fear, "when I recover - which Jenn will emerge?"  This causes stress for me.  I feel guilt when I am sick.  I should do more, I am not contributing, I am failing. I am not the athlete I strive to be.  I am lazy.

I feel like the outside of me does not match the inside of me and this has made it hard for me to comprehend that people will not laugh at me for saying that I am not only a triathlete, but an endurance triathlete in training for Ironman Florida.  I assume people's perception of me is completely out of whack to who I really am, because I am guilty of the same thing.  Judging a heavy set person for their lack of inactivity - and then they pass me on the trails or in a race and I think.. dang.  Inside I feel like an athlete, but outside I look like a lazy person.


UGH.

Well enough.

I am finally at about 90% recovered from my illness and by next week should be at 100% hopefully.  Taking the time off allowed me a mental break and to reassess my goals.  I made some pretty big decisions while in recovery mode, ones that are going to assure that lazy Jenn stays gone for a very long time.

So last week I did nothing.  Nada,  Zip.  And it was nice. I needed a guilt free time off from training to get my poop in a group and get excited about the journey ahead of me again.

Monday I walked.  Tuesday I walked.  last night I swam in the morning (yes, me!) and then did my bike workout in the lab.  That was not easy, and it showed me just how much I have fallen behind.  I need to get serious and put in work.

I woke up at 3:30am this morning, was aiming for 5am, but then started to cough non-stop for over an hour.  I was so exhausted from the lack of oxygen and the annoyance of dry coughing that I decided to sleep and then go swim after work.

My new plan for success is to get in a workout first thing in the morning and if that does not happen then I am not allowed back into my house until I get the workout done.  :-)  Since I missed my workout this morning, I will do it after work even if this means waiting for a lane for an hour.  I will get it done!

I will check back in Sunday to report on my progress on this journey to consistency. 

I am also working on some posts on the topics of how Ironman is changing the way I view things.  Not how I view myself, but more so how putting in long hours towards one singular goal alters ones view of normality.  I, as of today, finally agreed with someone that I am crazy.  Yes, I can no longer say that what I do is normal.  Most people do not train in the winter and spring for 3+ hours a day for a race in November.  Most people do not get up at 5am to workout, only to not come back home until 8pm after the 2nd or sometimes even 3rd workout of the day.

That is not normal; that my friends is Ironman. And I love this crazy, because it keeps me sane!

Operation Detox and Recover

As I mention over at The Journey, I was in Urgent Care today, and found out that I have both bronchitis and laryngitis.  I have zero voice and a horrible cough, runny nose and am just plain out fatigued.  My body is fighting this virus, and I need to respect the fight.


So with that I am start Operation Detox and Recover.

Step 1 - Detox diet

Vegan/vegetarian/anti-inflammatory/no sugar

Step 2 - Rest

Stop training for the week (technically for the 2nd week, now) and allow my body to fight off the virus and to heal heal heal.

Step 3 - Recover

Once it is OK to do so, I will ease back into my training.

This is going to mean tracking my foods and making sure to eat clean, healthy and allow my body to spend the resources on fighting the illness rather than having to pull nutrients from poorly made food.

Hopefully I will be up for training mid-to late week.  However I feel that if I can be back in the saddle by next week I will be happy.  The doctor told me that it can take between 14 and 21 days to get over this illness, and I need to respect that.  My coach has my training plan reduced greatly this week to allow for rest and recovery, so if I need to take it off I know that it is OK.

I have a long road ahead of me to Ironman.  I need to make sure that I take every step with the intention of getting to the start line healthy, fit, and ready to accomplish something amazing.