The past two weeks have been rough for me as I am not a "rest" type of person. Resting = lazy to me, so I had to fight many a mental demon this month.
I would say that my fear of inactivity resides with the daily struggle I face to get out of the door. For as active as I am, it is not like I am so without my lazy tendencies. It was lazy Jenn who got to be overweight. It was active Jenn who lost a net 45# (with about another 40 to go). It was lazy Jenn that made poor food choices. It was active Jenn that changed her lifestyle.
I guess my fear of inactivity is based on the fear that while I have changed who I am on the outside, the fat lazy girl with control issues still very much lives within me. I feel that when these setbacks happen, it is a chance for Lazy Jenn to get stronger while active Jenn lies in a weakened state. This leads me to wonder and fear, "when I recover - which Jenn will emerge?" This causes stress for me. I feel guilt when I am sick. I should do more, I am not contributing, I am failing. I am not the athlete I strive to be. I am lazy.
I feel like the outside of me does not match the inside of me and this has made it hard for me to comprehend that people will not laugh at me for saying that I am not only a triathlete, but an endurance triathlete in training for Ironman Florida. I assume people's perception of me is completely out of whack to who I really am, because I am guilty of the same thing. Judging a heavy set person for their lack of inactivity - and then they pass me on the trails or in a race and I think.. dang. Inside I feel like an athlete, but outside I look like a lazy person.
UGH.
Well enough.
I am finally at about 90% recovered from my illness and by next week should be at 100% hopefully. Taking the time off allowed me a mental break and to reassess my goals. I made some pretty big decisions while in recovery mode, ones that are going to assure that lazy Jenn stays gone for a very long time.
So last week I did nothing. Nada, Zip. And it was nice. I needed a guilt free time off from training to get my poop in a group and get excited about the journey ahead of me again.
Monday I walked. Tuesday I walked. last night I swam in the morning (yes, me!) and then did my bike workout in the lab. That was not easy, and it showed me just how much I have fallen behind. I need to get serious and put in work.
I woke up at 3:30am this morning, was aiming for 5am, but then started to cough non-stop for over an hour. I was so exhausted from the lack of oxygen and the annoyance of dry coughing that I decided to sleep and then go swim after work.
My new plan for success is to get in a workout first thing in the morning and if that does not happen then I am not allowed back into my house until I get the workout done. :-) Since I missed my workout this morning, I will do it after work even if this means waiting for a lane for an hour. I will get it done!
I will check back in Sunday to report on my progress on this journey to consistency.
I am also working on some posts on the topics of how Ironman is changing the way I view things. Not how I view myself, but more so how putting in long hours towards one singular goal alters ones view of normality. I, as of today, finally agreed with someone that I am crazy. Yes, I can no longer say that what I do is normal. Most people do not train in the winter and spring for 3+ hours a day for a race in November. Most people do not get up at 5am to workout, only to not come back home until 8pm after the 2nd or sometimes even 3rd workout of the day.
That is not normal; that my friends is Ironman. And I love this crazy, because it keeps me sane!
