So what is the hardest part of Ironman?

Standing in the elevator at work, a person in my building noticed my IM Florida Finishers jacket. He asked me, "So, what was the hardest part?" while pointing to my jacket.

I turned to him, smiled, and replied "Signing up."


I never would have been wearing that jacket if I did not start.  And believe me when I say that it takes the most courage to sign that piece of paper and hand over your $625-$700+ non-refundable entry fee.

Do you know why there are so few Ironman finishers in the world?  At IM Florida, they celebrated the 500,000th individual finisher of the Ironman races.  That is a lot of people in general, but that is over multiple races world-wide in all 30 years of the branded event as it is held today.  The reason why it has taken 30 years to hit half a million Ironman finishers is simple.  The fear of the unknown.


This will be my last post on the Journey to IMFL for now.  When I register for another IMFL, which I will and tentatively aiming for 2015,  I will re-open this blog and catalog my journey that year much better than I did this one.

I am taking away from this experience the knowledge that I can take on anything.   And more importantly, I am taking with me a lesson in how to start.

Long before my dreams of Ironman would come to fruition, I had a dream to be able to look into a mirror and love myself.

I realized that dream on this journey.   I found happiness in my flaws.  I stopped seeing myself as a body and started seeing myself as a person. A whole person.


The next year is going to be a tight and tough one for us, but one we will survive and thrive in I am sure.  I am taking a year off from Ironman training to focus on performance and the next phase of my body transformation.

I am returning to Ironman in 2014 with Ironman Wisconsin.  I am going to be training much differently the next few years, and with that comes additional excitement.

So I leave you with this, the final post of this particular leg of my journey. The message is simple.

Never give up, but more importantly have the courage to START.

Who knows where you will end up... but isn't that the fun of it?

More Than, Greater Than

Earlier this week I posted about how I have struggled most of my adult life with the fear of failure.  The ultimate point of the long-winded post was that I started out the journey always thinking how I was LESS THAN I wanted myself to be.   I am here today to say that I am ending this particular journey, the journey to Ironman Florida 2012, with the knowledge that I am MORE THAN that I am GREATER THAN those fears.

I used to say that running was my church but triathlon saved my life.  Now I need to amend that and say that while running is my church and triathlon saved my life, Ironman gave me back myself to enjoy it all.

This race-specific blog was started 2 years ago with the purpose of tracking my progress in training for Ironman Florida.  At the end, I decided that it was more important to capture the journey of re-discovering myself through the act of total dedication. 

The proof here is that I now realize that all that I have gained through the past year more than makes up for all that I have given up on over the past 10.  I quit believing in myself way back in college when a relationship went bad and I was left with a deeply broken ego.  I ended up a deeply broken person.  It has taken years of attempting to rebuild, only to get sidetracked and have to start all over again. 

Every time I got broken, I got back in the saddle and tried again.

At the end of it all I never quit rebuilding myself. I would dig deeper each time and try to heal my broken ego, with plenty of stumbling block along the way. 

I quit my first marathon at mile 23.  MILE 23.  I pulled out of races or switched to shorter distances because I just knew I would not make it.  Throw in the middle of all of that a diagnosis of Temporal Lobe Epilepsy in the form of petite mal and psychic seizures, and it pushed me over the edge.  I wasn't worthy of success or a good life. I wasn't good enough.  I was a dysfunctional wanna be.  I was so deeply broken physically and emotionally.

The feelings that started 10 years ago just never went away no matter what I did.  What more would I have to do to show myself that I was worthy of success?     

That is when I realized what I was doing and where the journey to Ironman FL 2012 was taking me.   It is so much MORE THAN 140.6 miles. It is about faith and dedication and healing my broken self. It is about knowing that failure is not an option anymore, and that I have earned the victory lap.  I am worthy. I am back! 

Anyone can do an Ironman.  Not everyone is willing to work for it.  I meant it when I said that I am the laziest person I know.  I really am. However I am also a very dedicated person when I find a cause that I believe in.   I finally believe in myself.  I am one of the few willing to and who is fortunate enough to be able to put aside and sacrifice for a year to make this goal, this dream,  a reality.

Ironman has already given back to me in so many ways, however the biggest gift is a healed ego. A healed sense of self. 

Every time that I increased some power on the bike, every mile that I ran a faster mile, every time that I dropped a clothing size, and every time that I swam longer and longer in open water culminating in a 5k (3.1 mile) open water swim through lakes and rivers I was putting energy into the universe and the universe was giving me 10-fold power to find myself again. I just needed to be open to receive it.

Thanks to my amazing friend Vickie and my coach Bonnie, I was able to see myself through their eyes and together they helped restore me.  And thanks to my friend Amy, who has always inspired me however now even more.  

Every mile and hour that I deposited in to the bank account of Ironman was a bandage on my broken self.  Every time that I would hop in the pool or lake, that I would go for a run or ride I would log my workouts and marvel that I was really doing this.  I did not half ass it.  I was DOING IT.  And yes sometimes it took Vickie and Bonnie to tell me that I was doing it before I believed it for myself, but I am forever grateful that they never gave up even when I was doubting myself. 




So, here I am just a few weeks away from the victory lap and I can firmly say that this race has been MORE THAN a test a physical endurance and strength, it was also about showing myself my true colors. It showed to me that I am MORE THAN I thought that I was.



Now that I have faced the fears behind me I am ready to look forward with a new sense of self.   I have accomplished all of my goals this year.  I have not quit one thing and I have not allowed myself to back out of anything that I have put my mind to do.

I am sitting here with a smile on my face because I know that November 3rd will be as my friend Tom Demerly has said, a long walk across the graduation stage.  I finally get it.

It is not the end of a journey,  but the beginning of my life without the shackles of doubt and fear. 

In the coming weeks I am going to start blogging more about what my plans for the day are.  I have decided to enjoy every mile of the day, no matter how tough it gets.  That means that I am going to put a focus on each segment of the race, breaking it up into 40 or so parts, taking it 1 mile at a time.  I am going to be taking some very special people with me in my heart during Ironman. 

I am an Ironman.  I can do this.  I have given my all for this moment, and I am ready to toe that line with 2,000+ of my crazy like-minded friends.

It is really here!  I am ready to walk across the graduation stage!  I am ready for my victory lap! 

Less Than

I am the laziest person I know.   So imagine my surprise when I have had people this year tell me how I have inspired them either with my Ironman aspirations or my lifestyle change to veganism and plant strong nutrition. 

I graciously accept the compliments and notes of encouragement and support, but always think in the back of my mind how I could possibly inspire them... I am just a lazy person with a pie-in-the sky dream of being an Ironman. Right?

There have been times in this journey that I have felt like a fake.  An imposter.  A wanna be.  There have even been times in this journey where I have laid awake at night or sat in my car on the way to a workout and cried.   

Yes, cried.  Just cried.  For hours. So many hours.  ALL of the hours.  

I am already a failure... why even start the race I am not possibly qualified to participate in?

Going out for any one of the hundreds of hours of training I was putting in I would witness the real athletes (those already forged in Iron) and upon seeing the work and dedication that they are putting in to training for this race it would make me wonder what on Earth I am doing. 

THESE are the inspiring people, not me. These are the Ironmen.  They are just so much better than I.  What if I fail?  What happens WHEN I fail?  Will they all realize that I am that lazy person and never have faith in me again?  Oh my goodness... will I loose faith in myself too?

I am not a real athlete, and only real athletes are Ironmen.  I am LESS THAN that.  I am a couch surfer who goes out and swims, bikes, and runs a lot. 

I am not dedicated enough.  I have not sacrificed enough.  I have not given it my all or executed the plan right.  I just am so much LESS THAN that. 

Time has slipped away, I am out of time, I am out of time, I am out of my mind. 

The sad truth of the matter is that all of these feelings have crossed my mind, my heart, and my lips over the long course of the past 11 months.


When I signed up for Ironman, I half felt in my heart that there was no way that I would finish this journey.  I would quit, I would get injured and give myself the easy out. I would figure out the exact excuse or reason later, but surely it would come.  It always does.   

But somewhere along the way I had an epiphany.

I was sitting in my hotel room in Mexico when it happened, and I recall looking at myself in the mirror as I was putting on my workout clothes.  The clock read 11:05pm and I was heading out for a 1.5 hour bike/run brick workout in the sub-par thrown together fitness center available to me.  I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight person about to go look a fool in the fitness center when everyone else was at the bar which was ironically positioned right outside the fitness center so they could all witness the silliness. 

"Check out that fat chick running in there!"

"What on earth is she doing?"

I saw the fear rise in my eyes as I started to tear up.

Yes, what am I doing?

I am doubting myself as being dedicated, as deserving the honor of working hard to meet my dreams, of really being an athlete - yet I am getting ready to do a workout in Mexico at 11:05pm while all my coworkers are at the bar.

Yes!  What the heck am I doing to myself?

I sat down on the edge of the hotel bed and wrote a note to myself, pinned it to the mirror, read it every night and morning, and then got in not only that workout but every workout on my plan that week including a half hour swim in an 11 yard pool. All the while people ate and drank around me.

Jennifer,  

You are the athlete that you want to be.  Every day you are shedding the doubt and moving closer to her, the girl you want to see in the mirror.  You are dedicated, you have sacrificed, you have laid the foundation and now just need to have faith in yourself, faith in the journey ahead of you.  No one is laughing at you.  How can they?  You have a dream and more importantly you have the desire to WORK for that dream. No one can take that away from you.  Remember, Ironman is not the destination... this is a journey of reclaiming your life.  You can do this.  You are MORE THAN you think. You are MORE THAN an Ironman.  You are Jenniferlyn, and you have got this.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  KEEP ON WORKING.  

Of course I have not been perfect in my training.  I have ebbed here and there, sort of floating in and out of the process.  But it lasts for short periods of time, mainly due to sickness or balancing the crazy jam-packed year that I have had between graduating with my MBA, getting married, training for this little race and oh yeah, switching my career completely.   I guess the fear of Ironman made sure that each time I would stray due to whatever, I would come back with a renewed vigor and excitement for the process.

Have I sacrificed?  Um, yes.  Have I put in work?  Oh yeah, 58 watts, 50# and 4 dress sizes worth.  Am I ready?  I know in my heart I have done my best and that best was SO MUCH MORE THAN I ever realized I had in me.

This post is me finally coming clean with myself that I need to stop knocking myself down and realize that I am more dedicated and capable than I have given myself credit for.  I am not lazy, in fact I have worked my butt off (quite literally).  I am also not anything more than a person who had a dream, made it public, dedicated and committed themselves to achieving it and put in the work to set themselves up to achieve it.

Take this one thing away from my journey to become an Ironman: there is no magic or luck in fulfilling your dreams.   If I (the laziest person that I know) can do it, so can you.

While it starts with faith and a dream, it ends only when you put those dreams into action and work. 

Do not be afraid of the time it will take to accomplish the work ahead. The truth is that time is going to pass by anyway, the only difference is if we are sitting idly watching it go by or if we are engaged and participating in it.

I chose to get off of the couch and participate in it.  

No matter what transpires over the course of the 17 allotted hours on November 3rd, 2012 I know that I have done so much more than I ever thought that I would in my life.  This is not the final destination, but another stop in the journey of my life.    

Operation Detox and Recover

As I mention over at The Journey, I was in Urgent Care today, and found out that I have both bronchitis and laryngitis.  I have zero voice and a horrible cough, runny nose and am just plain out fatigued.  My body is fighting this virus, and I need to respect the fight.


So with that I am start Operation Detox and Recover.

Step 1 - Detox diet

Vegan/vegetarian/anti-inflammatory/no sugar

Step 2 - Rest

Stop training for the week (technically for the 2nd week, now) and allow my body to fight off the virus and to heal heal heal.

Step 3 - Recover

Once it is OK to do so, I will ease back into my training.

This is going to mean tracking my foods and making sure to eat clean, healthy and allow my body to spend the resources on fighting the illness rather than having to pull nutrients from poorly made food.

Hopefully I will be up for training mid-to late week.  However I feel that if I can be back in the saddle by next week I will be happy.  The doctor told me that it can take between 14 and 21 days to get over this illness, and I need to respect that.  My coach has my training plan reduced greatly this week to allow for rest and recovery, so if I need to take it off I know that it is OK.

I have a long road ahead of me to Ironman.  I need to make sure that I take every step with the intention of getting to the start line healthy, fit, and ready to accomplish something amazing.

*cough* *snif* *sigh*

I am sick! 

Again.

*sigh* 

Training has taken a back seat this week to get healthy.  Small sacrifices today so that I can awake and fight again tomorrow, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I decided to be more diligent in this blog since I really want to capture the journey to Ironman on this space.  I am going to post up weekly (Sundays or Mondays) to see how things are going, accountability, as well as so that I have a record of the emotions as well as physical outputs that went into the making of IronJennikins.  Since I am so early in my training I guess this will show that I have been focusing on consistency.  This blog is to stand alone and once 11/3 comes and goes so will this blog. 

As of Monday this week I had trained for 10 days straight!  And then promptly fell ill. 

March is my no excuses month so this means outside of illness or death I must make every single workout work.  I am starting this on Monday since I want to allow myself the weekend to fully recover and not dig myself into a hole.

Let the fun begin!

Again!

For real!

Ironman: For the Über-Fit or the Über-Dedicated?

Ironman posted the volunteer and highlight videos last night up on YouTube.  I watched both videos and even though I was there in person as painfully captured in the volunteer video [side-note: yikes I looked rough that morning!], watching the two videos really captures the essence of what Ironman is about. 

Giving Back

Over 3,000 volunteers work at an event of this magnitude in order to make it happen.  They are everywhere handing out to every single athlete water, food, encouragement, hugs, handshakes, and high-5's.   I never realized how labor intensive a race of this magnitude is.  Logistically speaking, Ironman is huge.  Well beyond 140.6 miles of course, 2,500 athletes, and 3,000+ volunteers.   After volunteering in two slots this past weekend,  I now see not only the importance of volunteers but the importance in volunteering my time to give back to the sport that saved my life.  It really was something to be even just a small part of some people's day. 
 

To Win is to Finish

Ironman is not an exclusive sport for the über-fit person.  I have been shy of attempting an Ironman because I am overweight and fear that I would not have the ability to cross the finish line.  My dear friend Ranger told me two years ago when discussing Ironman Florida for the first time that it was not about where I was at the start of the journey, but where I was going to end up.  I told him that I could never do an Ironman because I was overweight to what I considered IM standards and I was just not that person.  He told me bluntly;  well don't you think you'll lose weight training?  Why discount yourself before you even try?  

Yeah, why? 

He called me out on my self-deprication, but I just did not see it that way.  Ranger has this uncanny ability to see through people's BS and realize their potential.  We call him the kool-aid man because we often think of him as crazy, but honestly, he is a truth seer.  He knows his potential and his ability and he is extremely driven in what he does.  So, Dave, if you are reading this - thank you for your support in everything. 

I realize now that I was playing into my insecurities and as I have a tendency of doing, I stopped myself before I even started.  I realize now that my ability was not the concern.   I know that I have the ability to swim 2.4 miles, to ride 112 and to run a marathon.  It goes beyond that though.  Determination.   Desire.  Perseverance.  This is the true meaning of Ironman.  As their motto say's "To win is to finish".  I need to not be afraid to start.  And after this weekend, I am no longer afraid. 

I have the determination, the passion, the excitement, and the knowledge.  I have a coach to guide me and help me align myself to the best possible position for success.  The 140.6 mile victory lap is going to be my reward for a year of hard training and training hard.  I finally have the faith in myself that is required to undertake such a feat. 

Enjoy the videos!  I know that I did! 

Personal Truth

I think that everyone should experience the Ironman race at some point.  Not necessarily as an athlete, but as a spectator or better yet, a volunteer. 

I chose to volunteer at two positions one at the start, one at the finish.  I wanted to experience first hand the excitement from beginning to end of those special 17 hours.  Before the race, Annelise and I would meet or see people and get their stories.  Volunteers, past and current participants, locals, spectators, you name it we met them.

This was key as it allowed us to work off some nerves, to cheer on some athletes directly, and to really learn what the race is about to so many people.  And did we ever see people.  From the elite racers to those on a personal journey to health, and every single type in between.  There were those without limbs.  Those with extra pounds to lose.  Those with no pounds to spare. The common thread?  They were all, each and every one of them, athletes.  They put in the work.  This was the dream.  Be it to finish, to finish at a particular time, or to qualify for Kona, a dream was in front of 2500 people that morning.

I am posting up over on the journey blog individual stories throughout the week as motivation for my 60 day challenge, however here I want to go over the bigger picture.  What I have taken away from this experience.

Meeting people and seeing people finishing the race with tears streaming down their faces was amazing.  Out of all athletes this year, there were 1000 first time Ironman athletes, three disabled athletes, and o hand-cycle athletes, even though they are allowed to race.   Ages from 18 to 80 were in the field.  Ironman is not some unattainable thing.  Ironman is just something that you must work very very hard for.  So here are the knowns:

Ironman requires training and planning.  And a solid support system from family and friends.  No question.  Logistically speaking, there is a lot to the race due purely to the size of the field and the length of the race.

Ironman will hurt.  No matter if you finish in 8:55 (the top female finisher and new female course record time) or in 16:59:59.

Ironman will require a solid nutrition plan.  Not just in training but in lifestyle.


And here is the ultimate personal truth:   

I cannot continue to put in the hours of training required to accomplish my goals, only to counteract them by poor food choices and lack of proper recovery and rest.  

This must and will stop.  Seeing the race this year has solidified this in me.  Annelise and I talked about fueling the body at the micro-nutrient level through whole food choices.  Lean proteins, vegetables, nuts, oils, fats, appropriate carbohydrates.  I must also get in adequate sleep.  I cannot burn the candle on both ends and expect to see light for long.

I have committed to working with Coach Bonnie on addressing the nutrition and training aspects.  I see myself living in "the lab" this winter on my bike and running testing and seeing where I am as a baseline. I am not doing this for an time finish goal, I am doing this to align my self optimally with the best chances for succcess.  That means having a strong support system around me, being honest with myself and my coach as to my intentions, goals, and abilities, and then getting to work.

Mike has informed me that my priorities this year will be swimming, biking, and running and should he find me at home without a note from Bonnie saying that I should be there, he will promptly be kicking my butt outside to get on the bike or go for a swim or run.   I believe him.  And, I love him for that.

I have five weeks of school left in my Master's degree.  I have made it through 47 weeks of non-stop school thus far and am ready to be done with this degree.  I am ready to put myself first on a physical level.  I am very excited that my family and friends are behind me in this journey.  It is for real.  It is happening.   I am ready!

It is official!  We are IN TRAINING!

Evolution.

The evolution of  Runnergirl.

2004 CRIM Finish

2002 - Lost 60 lbs and quit my unhealthy addictions. 
2003 - I started running and never looked back.  5k, 10k, hallf marathons were my thing.  Attempted and DNF my first marathon.
2004 attempted and finished my second marathon.  Swore them off for good. marathons are the devil.  My body will never be capable of taking me more than 13.1 miles.  EVER.
2005 - 2008 ran happy but never felt satisfied.  Decided to go for a triathlon to keep my mind occupied.

2008 First Triathlon Finish

2008 - attempted and finished my first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth triathlons.  Three of which were in a 7 day time-frame.  Hooked. Never ever want to do anything longer than a sprint! EVER! 
2009  - Attempted my first half Ironman (the sprint happy zone was very short lived), but bailed on it at the last moment and decided to do the long-course aquabike.  Finished 2nd in my AG.  But I can never do an Ironman, so the half Iron distance will be my thing, because I am not capable of dedicating myself to the training required for such a feat.  I am doing my very last first. 
2010 - Attempted and finished my second half Ironman.  Loved it. 

2001 Detroit Marathon Finish

2011 - Attempted and finished my third marathon (1:17:00 minute PR), set PRs in every distance from 5k to half marathon in between. Placed in nearly every triathlon I participated in.  Rocked the world while finishing up my MBA.

From the girl who was an obese smoker to the girl packing up to volunteer and sign up at Ironman Florida... the journey has been a long and confusing one, often discounting myself before I have had a chance to prove myself.

No more.  I will never say never again.  I will never stop myself before I even lace up.  I will stop telling myself that I am not worth it, that I am not deserving of it, or that I am not capable of doing this.

I AM.

And, in one year I WILL.

The journey is not yet complete as there is no final destination.  Right now, I am on my way to a 140.6 mile victory lap.  One day out of thousands in my life.  But one day that has taken me the longest to arrive at.

I am ready.  I have evolved.

Mike said Yes!

Mike said yes.

Yes to going to IM FL in November for me to volunteer and to cheer on Trish and Dave to their finishes.

As well as...

Yes to going to FL in 2011 as an athlete.


This is becoming more real every day. This is the year that I get my arse into gear and get into shape. That is my focus. 2010 the year of becoming fit. 2011 the year of becoming iron.