More Than, Greater Than

Earlier this week I posted about how I have struggled most of my adult life with the fear of failure.  The ultimate point of the long-winded post was that I started out the journey always thinking how I was LESS THAN I wanted myself to be.   I am here today to say that I am ending this particular journey, the journey to Ironman Florida 2012, with the knowledge that I am MORE THAN that I am GREATER THAN those fears.

I used to say that running was my church but triathlon saved my life.  Now I need to amend that and say that while running is my church and triathlon saved my life, Ironman gave me back myself to enjoy it all.

This race-specific blog was started 2 years ago with the purpose of tracking my progress in training for Ironman Florida.  At the end, I decided that it was more important to capture the journey of re-discovering myself through the act of total dedication. 

The proof here is that I now realize that all that I have gained through the past year more than makes up for all that I have given up on over the past 10.  I quit believing in myself way back in college when a relationship went bad and I was left with a deeply broken ego.  I ended up a deeply broken person.  It has taken years of attempting to rebuild, only to get sidetracked and have to start all over again. 

Every time I got broken, I got back in the saddle and tried again.

At the end of it all I never quit rebuilding myself. I would dig deeper each time and try to heal my broken ego, with plenty of stumbling block along the way. 

I quit my first marathon at mile 23.  MILE 23.  I pulled out of races or switched to shorter distances because I just knew I would not make it.  Throw in the middle of all of that a diagnosis of Temporal Lobe Epilepsy in the form of petite mal and psychic seizures, and it pushed me over the edge.  I wasn't worthy of success or a good life. I wasn't good enough.  I was a dysfunctional wanna be.  I was so deeply broken physically and emotionally.

The feelings that started 10 years ago just never went away no matter what I did.  What more would I have to do to show myself that I was worthy of success?     

That is when I realized what I was doing and where the journey to Ironman FL 2012 was taking me.   It is so much MORE THAN 140.6 miles. It is about faith and dedication and healing my broken self. It is about knowing that failure is not an option anymore, and that I have earned the victory lap.  I am worthy. I am back! 

Anyone can do an Ironman.  Not everyone is willing to work for it.  I meant it when I said that I am the laziest person I know.  I really am. However I am also a very dedicated person when I find a cause that I believe in.   I finally believe in myself.  I am one of the few willing to and who is fortunate enough to be able to put aside and sacrifice for a year to make this goal, this dream,  a reality.

Ironman has already given back to me in so many ways, however the biggest gift is a healed ego. A healed sense of self. 

Every time that I increased some power on the bike, every mile that I ran a faster mile, every time that I dropped a clothing size, and every time that I swam longer and longer in open water culminating in a 5k (3.1 mile) open water swim through lakes and rivers I was putting energy into the universe and the universe was giving me 10-fold power to find myself again. I just needed to be open to receive it.

Thanks to my amazing friend Vickie and my coach Bonnie, I was able to see myself through their eyes and together they helped restore me.  And thanks to my friend Amy, who has always inspired me however now even more.  

Every mile and hour that I deposited in to the bank account of Ironman was a bandage on my broken self.  Every time that I would hop in the pool or lake, that I would go for a run or ride I would log my workouts and marvel that I was really doing this.  I did not half ass it.  I was DOING IT.  And yes sometimes it took Vickie and Bonnie to tell me that I was doing it before I believed it for myself, but I am forever grateful that they never gave up even when I was doubting myself. 




So, here I am just a few weeks away from the victory lap and I can firmly say that this race has been MORE THAN a test a physical endurance and strength, it was also about showing myself my true colors. It showed to me that I am MORE THAN I thought that I was.



Now that I have faced the fears behind me I am ready to look forward with a new sense of self.   I have accomplished all of my goals this year.  I have not quit one thing and I have not allowed myself to back out of anything that I have put my mind to do.

I am sitting here with a smile on my face because I know that November 3rd will be as my friend Tom Demerly has said, a long walk across the graduation stage.  I finally get it.

It is not the end of a journey,  but the beginning of my life without the shackles of doubt and fear. 

In the coming weeks I am going to start blogging more about what my plans for the day are.  I have decided to enjoy every mile of the day, no matter how tough it gets.  That means that I am going to put a focus on each segment of the race, breaking it up into 40 or so parts, taking it 1 mile at a time.  I am going to be taking some very special people with me in my heart during Ironman. 

I am an Ironman.  I can do this.  I have given my all for this moment, and I am ready to toe that line with 2,000+ of my crazy like-minded friends.

It is really here!  I am ready to walk across the graduation stage!  I am ready for my victory lap! 

Do you have any sensitivites to sea creatures?

Upon seeing that question on the entry form for the 2012 race I started to laugh.  I really REALLY had to hold back and not put my first inclination.

"Yes.  Sharks.  I tend to die when they eat me."

Good job, Jenn.  Way to exercise self control!  *pats self on back*


I have this fear of the ocean/open water/random fish tank that anyone who has ever swam with me outside of a pool can attest to.  A triathlete afraid of swimming with fish.  Awesome.  I literally scream underwater every time I see a fish.  I have gotten so used to this reaction that I can scream and swim at the same time, not missing a stroke.  Obviously... and I can tell that you see exactly where this is going... an Ocean Ironman was the most logical thing for me to undertake.  As if doing the whole "Ironman thing" wasn't difficult enough, I chose to do one centered around my all time favorite place in the world which ironically is home to the most scary thing in the world to me: the ocean.


Every single time I get into a body of water larger than 25m long without lane dividers and chlorine, I have a moment of  "what am I doing?!".  I really hope that it is unnoticeable to those around me as I do my best impression of a person wearing 'big girl" panties who loves to swim in lakes.  Honestly lakes freak me out 90% of the time.  No worries about me swimming alone!  I feel the best odd for survival is to swim in groups. so when the little fishies go to eat me bite by bite, there will be people around to help me fend for my life.

I know that this is irrational as I am quite a bit larger than your average run of the mill minnow, however even they freak me out.  I am getting better.  Four years of swimming in the lakes and funny how not one of my friends nor myself has had any issues with those pesky killer fish.   Maybe fish are not so killer afterall?  Or maybe they are playing the waiting game, trying to ease my nerves then attack when I find myself lulled into a state of acceptance.  Haha!  I will never be lulled into acceptance, so there killer fish!  Take THAT! 


I have worked really hard at getting the uncomfortableness under control and once in a race or group swim situation I am fine. With more people I feel safer, as if somehow our energies combine and we become a force to deal with, one that the fishes would rather not.  I have even tried forcing myself to search for fish while I swim in order to realize that they are not coming after me,  but rather to understand that what I am doing is akin to swimming through their living room.   I know the same will be true for next year, meaning that I will be absolutely fine in the water, however all the talk about the pink meanies and sharks seen at this years race sent my heart directly to the bottom of my stomach.  Time to get mentally prepared.


PINK MEANIE

Pink Meanie  - the new species of Jellies which can be 3 foot wide with 70 feet of stinging tentacles

I did find something of value to ease my mind about the jellies in all of my reading. 

1. Wear my sleeved wetsuit to help shield myself from stray jellies of all verities
2. Slather myself with either vasoline or Sea Safe to protect exposed skin from the venom in said jellies
3. Make sure to have venom neutralizers in my transition bags in case I am one of the people, and there were many this year, who are stung. 

I am actually feeling much much better about the jellyfish situation. Crisis averted.

SHARK BAIT Is that anything like jail bait?

Oh, but then there was the shark sighting. Not just in the area, but right below (15' or so) the swimmers.  It was a black-tipped shark.  I did some reaseach on this variety of creature and I have to say that while they account for 16% of Florida's shark attacks, they are relatively harmless to humans unless there is food nearby.  Note to self:  avoid chumming the waters prior to the swim.   I also read that sharks tend to go for the stragglers in a group should they pose an attack  Note to self:  work on speed and efficiency this year.

Nom nom nom.  I'm HUNGRY.... for you.

Putting this weakness into writing has forced me to face it directly.  I have come to realize that if 2,500 athletes brave the water each and every year for the past 13 years and not one has been killed by a shark a jelly or anything other than the unfortunate reality of a situational drowning (two people in Ironman and 1 in the Gulf Coast tri since 2006),  I would say that I am in as good a position for survival as every other swimmer out there.  I do not consider myself at special risk for an attack of anything or that I am the weakest swimmer as I know that I am not.  The reality is one that is frank and comforting:  we are all there in the same conditions, with the same day ahead of us.

I am coming to grips with what an ocean swim means, and knowing what is ahead of me has actually comforted me in a way.  The swim will be exciting, it will be nerve wracking, and when I come out of the brine after my  2.4 mile stretch with 2,499 of my closest friends I will have conquered the biggest of all of my fears.  I AM GOING TO CONQUER MY FEARS.  I felt the need to restate that with a more positive spin. ;-)



This whole process is making Trout Lake look like my bath tub, and I honestly cannot wait to go for a dip!





With that, I bid a wonderful weekend!  Make good things happen!

Ironman: For the Über-Fit or the Über-Dedicated?

Ironman posted the volunteer and highlight videos last night up on YouTube.  I watched both videos and even though I was there in person as painfully captured in the volunteer video [side-note: yikes I looked rough that morning!], watching the two videos really captures the essence of what Ironman is about. 

Giving Back

Over 3,000 volunteers work at an event of this magnitude in order to make it happen.  They are everywhere handing out to every single athlete water, food, encouragement, hugs, handshakes, and high-5's.   I never realized how labor intensive a race of this magnitude is.  Logistically speaking, Ironman is huge.  Well beyond 140.6 miles of course, 2,500 athletes, and 3,000+ volunteers.   After volunteering in two slots this past weekend,  I now see not only the importance of volunteers but the importance in volunteering my time to give back to the sport that saved my life.  It really was something to be even just a small part of some people's day. 
 

To Win is to Finish

Ironman is not an exclusive sport for the über-fit person.  I have been shy of attempting an Ironman because I am overweight and fear that I would not have the ability to cross the finish line.  My dear friend Ranger told me two years ago when discussing Ironman Florida for the first time that it was not about where I was at the start of the journey, but where I was going to end up.  I told him that I could never do an Ironman because I was overweight to what I considered IM standards and I was just not that person.  He told me bluntly;  well don't you think you'll lose weight training?  Why discount yourself before you even try?  

Yeah, why? 

He called me out on my self-deprication, but I just did not see it that way.  Ranger has this uncanny ability to see through people's BS and realize their potential.  We call him the kool-aid man because we often think of him as crazy, but honestly, he is a truth seer.  He knows his potential and his ability and he is extremely driven in what he does.  So, Dave, if you are reading this - thank you for your support in everything. 

I realize now that I was playing into my insecurities and as I have a tendency of doing, I stopped myself before I even started.  I realize now that my ability was not the concern.   I know that I have the ability to swim 2.4 miles, to ride 112 and to run a marathon.  It goes beyond that though.  Determination.   Desire.  Perseverance.  This is the true meaning of Ironman.  As their motto say's "To win is to finish".  I need to not be afraid to start.  And after this weekend, I am no longer afraid. 

I have the determination, the passion, the excitement, and the knowledge.  I have a coach to guide me and help me align myself to the best possible position for success.  The 140.6 mile victory lap is going to be my reward for a year of hard training and training hard.  I finally have the faith in myself that is required to undertake such a feat. 

Enjoy the videos!  I know that I did!